“How many cigars do you smoke a day?”
“About ten.”
“What do they cost you?”
“Twenty cents a piece.”
“My, that’s two dollars a day. How long have you been smoking?”
“Thirty years.”
“Two dollars a day for thirty years is a lot of money.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Do you see that office building on the corner?”
“Yes.”
“If you had never smoked in your life you might own that fine building.”
“Do you smoke?”
“No, never did.”
“Do you own that building?”
“No.”
Thursday, 29 August 2013
Astronomy
A high school girl, seated next to a famous astronomer at a dinner party, struck up a conversation with him by asking, “What do you do in life?”
He replied, “I study astronomy.”
“Dear me,” said the girl. “I finished astronomy last year.”
He replied, “I study astronomy.”
“Dear me,” said the girl. “I finished astronomy last year.”
Thursday, 22 August 2013
Disney divorce court
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court."Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."
"I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was f**king Goofy."
"I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was f**king Goofy."
Married to devil's sister
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Dead again
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!
The lady next door
A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom.
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says "Oh well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The little boy says, "that won't work"
His Mom says, "WHY?"
The little boy replies "because the lady next door comes over, after you leave, and blows him back up!"
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says "Oh well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The little boy says, "that won't work"
His Mom says, "WHY?"
The little boy replies "because the lady next door comes over, after you leave, and blows him back up!"
Husband for sale
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor The Sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
**To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.**
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor The Sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
**To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.**
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited
Wednesday, 21 August 2013
Relationship jokes:Why l hate my boyfriend
GIRL: I hate my boyfriend!
BOY: Why?
GIRL: He is so cheap he cant even buy me a simple dinner, are all boys like that?
BOY: Of course not, I'm not like that.
GIRL: I'm going to break up with him.
BOY: Ok but know I'm available.
[Girl stands to leave]
BOY: Wait, where are you going?
GIRL: To break up with my boyfriend of course.
BOY: You can't leave.
GIRL: Why?
BOY: Who is going to pay for the lunch we just had?
BOY: Why?
GIRL: He is so cheap he cant even buy me a simple dinner, are all boys like that?
BOY: Of course not, I'm not like that.
GIRL: I'm going to break up with him.
BOY: Ok but know I'm available.
[Girl stands to leave]
BOY: Wait, where are you going?
GIRL: To break up with my boyfriend of course.
BOY: You can't leave.
GIRL: Why?
BOY: Who is going to pay for the lunch we just had?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)